One Hundred Reminders for Grell Sutcliffe
by A Perfect Devil
Summary: A comprehensive, detailed list of one hundred things Grell Sutcliffe is not allowed to do.


One Hundred Things Grell Sutcliffe is Not Allowed to do.

1. Using the office Xerox machine for all purposes involving any kind of sexual organ, whether they be real or made of silicon.

2. Grell is prohibited from going inside of Mr. Spear's office, what ever she says in argument to get out of this is a straight-up lie and falling for it will result in a pay cut.

3. There is to be absolutely no fornication in the office. Not even while fully clothed.

4. April the first is a human holiday and it will never be a holiday for reapers.

5. No alcohol is allowed to be consumed during office hours.

6. No alcohol or drugs are allowed to be put inside of the coffee maker.

7. Or any open containers inside of the refrigerator.

8. Dave's sodas are marked Dave for a reason. If you take Dave's soda and your name is not Dave but you pretend your name used to be Dave then you will be smacked by Dave.

9. Ronald Knox is not to have any "after hours" or "special" lessons in reaping. He is fine on his own.

10. Giving handies to demons for purposes of getting flattery on your technique is prohibited.

11. Just because you ask William for help does not mean you will receive it.

12. It may cost your vacation time.

13. All prescribed medications meant to control homicidal urges and behavior are to be taken on time, every day, and with a meal.

14. The 'middle finger' is not an appropriate way to voice your disapproval at meetings.

15. Neither is mooning.

16. Blood is not to be collected from the bodies of harvested souls and used as paint, makeup or even touched much less used.

17. Nobody is allowed to steal the Undertaker's robes and pretend to rewrite history.

18. Stop telling humans that glasses give reaper's laser vision. Humans don't even know what lasers are.

19. There is no market for the tapes you took of William in the shower. Not even in Japan.

20. Taking bets to see how many pieces you can cut humans into in under thirty seconds is both messy and a complete waste of time.

21. Anything powered by a motor is not supposed to go near genitalia. Especially chainsaws.

22. Drawing lude pictures of your coworkers is not allowed.

23. Giving the pictures to your coworkers on Christmas Eve as gifts is both insane and creepy.

24. When at a hearing for sexual harassment charges do not offer the judge a night in bed as a way to get out of the hefty fine. You will only be fined harder.

25. Stealing William's glasses and encasing them in jello was only funny the first time.

26. Casual Friday does not mean red lingerie everyone can see through.

27. Buying Ronald Knox a Russian bride for his birthday was not funny. Undertaker was disappointed when his cadaver was borrowed for such a stupid joke.

28. Holding office parties at the local all-male strip club is never appropriate.

29. Impersonating your boss on Halloween again may get you more than nearly killed.

30. Ending office memos with the lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-air" is not allowed.

31. Fornicating with co-workers bagels is cause for a suspension.

32. William is your boss and is not to ever be referred to "as that guy who got loaded and set a demon in a chicken suit on fire for sexual pleasure.".

33. 'Top secret' does not refer to your recent breast implants.

34. Stalking anyone during your shift is prohibited.

35. Undertaker is not from an alternate dimension.

36. Chainsaws are not the answer to every solution. Neither is "more chainsaw."

37. You are not allowed to make Ronald Knox wear your clothes as punishment for anything.

38. You are not in any position which requires the punishment of any one but yourself.

39. "Kick me" signs are banned from the office.

40. So are "fuck me" and "I sell bum LSD.".

41. Geass is not a real thing and telling people you can control their minds with it is played out.

42. Live jellyfish are not meant to be put inside of the water cooler.

43. Posting candid photos of yourself doing things to corpses while on duty over the internet is tasteless.

44. "I got my period" is not a valid reason to never show up to work on time. Nobody believes it.

45. If it involves doing something grossly immoral, then it isn't right.

46. If you must ask, then you are clearly not authorized to know and should stop asking.

47. Saying you cross your heart and hope to die doesn't mean you get to stick your fingers in anyone's eyes. Not even your own.

48. If you have to categorize your attire as "furry" or "anthromorphic" then don't wear it to work.

49. You are forever banned from ever going to conventions in costume pretending to be "the real William Spears.". Nobody will help you if you get caught.

50. Putting drugs into the food you bring to office parties with out labeling it as such is illegal.

51. All stripper grams will be blocked from ever getting past the front desk.

52. Pretending to hang yourself in front of William is insensitive and cruel.

53. You are already breaking uniform rules, stop pushing the barriers of the higher-ups patience.

54. Doing "the Time Warp" has never been the solution to anything.

55. You are not to tell people that you are a marital aid.

56. You are not allowed to tell others that if they eat a lock of Undertaker's hair they'll live forever.

57. The English gave up on the Jack the Ripper case decades ago, there is no reason to act like you are still fleeing from the government.

58. You are never allowed to edit anything on wikipedia.

59. Setting William's answering machine message to sound clips you recorded while having sex with him is grounds for suspension and a serious pay cut.

60. Swapping the gender signs for the restrooms is not a "political statement".

61. Bribing Undertaker to use his death note to alter the outcomes of reality television shows is a waste of perfectly good technology.

63. Decorating the Christmas tree with the blood of virgins is not festive.

64. Decorating anything with any kind of bodily fluid is not even sanitary.

65. You can't use sex jelly to lubricate your chainsaw.

66. Covering yourself with body glitter doesn't make you a vampire.

67. Stop telling Ronald Knox the security procedures for: genocidal midgets, conga-line dancing, the deflowering of all intern secretaries, intense fuck session with your boss, cross-dressing dance routines, the killing of your ex-girlfriend, wearing a marital aid on your head and pretending to be a unicorn. None of these procedures are real and if they were they would never even get used.

68. Just stop telling anyone who hasn't been here for at least one decade false information. They are confused and easily deceived.

69. Offering Undertaker tickets to a Daniel Tosh show is no longer accepted as a payment of humor.

70. William is never to be elected as the designated driver.

71. Long periods of silence from every one usually means you have already done enough damage.

72. Nobody is allowed to use William's death scythe to pole vault.

73. You are not, and you never will be Elizabeth Bathory. There is no proven scientific evidence that human blood does anything more beneficial to your skin then a regular moisturizer.

75. Undertaker doesn't have sex with the bodies and neither should you.

76. Making prank calls with the office phone line is prohibited.

77. The Reaper's Association is not in the business of selling babies on the black market.

78. Posting naked photos in the break room with the caption: "have at it, boys!" is wasting memo space.*

79. We do not have a "spirit week" and never will. This is not a high school. *

80. Reciting Shakespeare in song and interpretive dance during the all night shift is not allowed.

81. Office intercom systems are not to be tampered with or rewired.

82. The office does not need a token pet anything. Not a cat, not a flying squirrel, not a dog.

83. You are not allowed to tag the walls of the office or any other place where it is be physical, metaphysical or imaginary. No exceptions and no tales of how sexy you think Mr. Michaelis is.

84. Using the hall of records to find out celebrity gossip is a waste of time.

85. Plastic surgery isn't a valid excuse to take time off- use your vacation leave.

86. Continually going into other's cubicles and asking them "cock goes where?" is annoying and may be considered sexual harassment.

87. The intercom is for emergency use only.

88. Hair emergencies aren't actual emergencies.

89. Writing smut using Undertaker's pink pen is even more off limits than touching it in the first place.

90. Pulling the infamous "pizza prank" at an office _where you work _using _your own phone line _is in both bad taste and lacking in common sense.

91. Nobody wants to know your secrets.

92. Using pens and rubber bands to construct a make-shift crossbow to shoot people with as they walk by is grounds for a pay cut.

93. If it is meant to be worn as undergarments- it's not part of the uniform and should not be visible.

94. Tagging grave stones is entirely unprofessional.

95. Nobody wants to touch money after it's been shoved into your underwear.

96. You may not repay your debt to society in 'interpretive dance'. It is not interpretative dance, it is stripping and should not be called anything misleading.

97. Killing whores while you dress and act like one is hypocritical and we're all sick of it.

98. If you could not show it on national television then you may not show it to your co workers.

99. The internet is_ not_ for porn.

100. Giving your boss an "r-rated booty call" during his shift is against regulation but welcome on the very slim chance he ever gets a day off.


End file.
